When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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