she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
