Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
