I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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