Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
