I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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