so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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