a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This baby is an asshole
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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