I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
