im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My pussy is not your playground.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
