words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
