and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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