Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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