I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
