nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize