Christians are straight up FREAKS
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
