Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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