Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i wish my penis had a tongue
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
