am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
