I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
