Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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