My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
