I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
