does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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