Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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