So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
