I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize