There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
