So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize