I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
