Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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