did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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