dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
