Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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