wat bout pragnant strippers??
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
