If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
