You just made me feel so damn special
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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