I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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