i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
please don't ironically join a cult
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