Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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