Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
