can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if only i could text you this smell
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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