You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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