I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
