she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
