After last night, I could never be a politician.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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