I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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