she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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