Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
