Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
