When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
