last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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