Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
