1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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