I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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