I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dignity is for republicans.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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