this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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