Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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